if you know me, i am probably one of the most autistic and mentally unstable fucks out there that feels like i have no voice whatsoever and is afraid to speak to anything physically because it feels like everyone around me is just going to say the same unhelpful things that make me want to kill myself on the inside. or maybe you don’t, because i don’t think i actually really actually talk about this subject directly, and i just made up this label for myself like, right now, and i feel like its pretty accurate.
i think it’s safe to say that my dad probably played a major part is kinda just. Being a bad parent? and you’re probably saying “hating your parents is shitty to be honest you’re probably just a shitty spoiled child” or “Ohhhh nooooo you must always love your parents no matter what ❤️” and, while yes, i do kind of agree with these takes, i think some of issues still also stem from my dad kinda just Sucking at taking care of me.
my dad is the one who got me into computers, taught me many things other parents probably usually don’t teach their kids, and things like that. i can’t hate him for that, otherwise i’d be a completely different person (or otherwise, just Not here at all.)
but. i will say. maybe a bit TMI for him, but he was definitely abused as a child and doesn’t see it. he acknowledges being “Broken” from his mom and as of recently shows heavy signs of said brokenness, but still considers her to be a great parent for borderline abusing the family to grow up and “Be Successful”
without a doubt, he definitely tried doing the same to me. and for a while i thought it was also good parenting , before realizing, well. Not really. it hurt me a lot more than help, especially after realizing, and after that, i just lost all faith in my dad. i know what he’s going through, he isn’t well at all, and won’t last much longer, but. i can’t look at him the same anything. i can’t handle him. i just can’t deal with him anymore.
and this isn’t just a case of “I just really don’t like him actually”, there has been multiple times where he treated me like shit, talked behind my back to my mother claiming that me failing to do something simple means I’m Lazy and that I Can’t Think and that I’m Stupid, not to mention the two times where i failed to do something basic and he told me that he “Prays to God” everyday to “Give up on me”. not to mention the Car Battery incident.
it was only until a bit later where i did end up getting diagnosed with adhd, and for that reason every time i screw something up and i tell him that i do have a completely, valid reason for messing up and not being able to change, it’s always “well you’ve been able to do it before, so this is just excuses.”
i don’t feel safe around him, pretty much. i can’t say anything because it always falls back to me being stupid or lazy or something, and everyone i try to talk to just doesn’t seem to entirely understand the situation. i’d say he’d even pretty much corrupted me, i know everything he says about me is bullshit, but i keep continuing to internalize it and break down and wonder why i can’t do things because he’s always done it to me since my entire life and i just never realized it’s actually a bad thing.
i just wish to get away from him. to be somewhere safe. i guess. or just to be with someone who can properly understand me.